I'm not yet sure why we are adhering to this plan, but truth is, I have no intention of giving it up.
The new plan has made all the difference for us. The more we warm ourselves to the vision the more we enjoy who we are becoming. For I have come to realize that without vision, I am largely a lazy and reactive man. Lack of vision is like my kryptonite.
I first realized this last summer when I tried to become a "survivor". After years of watching the show I finally had had enough spectating. I was ready to participate. So, I asked my aspiring-director friend if he would help me make a 3 minute audition tape. He said yes. From that moment until the end of the summer when we finished the video, I became absolutely obsessed with making the best survivor application I could possibly make. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't lose sleep over it. It was all I thought about. I had to figure out exactly what part of me I would show those stern, uncaring CBS producers, all locked away in the back room watching nearly 10,000 other app-videos like they do every season. I had 3 minutes to make them giddy for Henry.
In one sense it was a miserable summer. I was totally self-absorbed for three months straight. It was really scary for me to say, "For exactly such and such reason, I am the best candidate." In the name of humility I had always avoided owning up to my own personality traits. I remember several times watching the playback after a promising take only to be faced with an overwhelming desire to contort my face and spit like I had just figured out that that chocolate was really just poo. It's kind of disgusting to figure out just how bizarre your reasons are for feeling special about yourself.
But on the other hand, I took a lot more good than bad from the experience. I loved the motivation it gave me. The obsession required me to believe it was possible. I felt like a man who was trying again. For the first time in a long time, I felt willing to lay it all out on the line. There was freedom in my vulnerability. In the end, just like most survivor wannabe's, no intern ever called me to tell me how I'd made it to the next level of auditions out in L.A. Instead, I learned I never wanted to go back to my visionless state.
The video experience guides my thinking on this next vision. You see, there is this hunch that I have. It’s always been there. It is this; that something is coming.
I'm not sure what the something is. It could be a huge thing, effecting everyone, or just a small thing, effecting mostly my life and the people I rub elbows with. Still, throughout my adult life, I’ve always had this vague suspicion that we are being pulled toward an edge. No matter what we do, we float toward it, or perhaps the ground is pulled as a carpet beneath us and the edge comes to us. This edge could be a voluntary way of living, as in a decision that we make. Or it could be an event, something that forces us to react. Regardless, It seems inevitable.
To some, their arrival at the edge may feel like awakening to the dark silhouette of a man standing at the foot of the bed. To others I suspect it will feel like the ice melting, like the end of winter, a new spring. It will feel like sweet renewal. I want the latter. I want to be ready. I want to embrace the idea of the edge in a way that allows me to live from a hopeful center. So, admittedly, in the absence of a more compelling vision, I embrace the wild thought, and slap a 3 year label on it. I'm not sure if the three years is right. But we have a lot to do in order to be ready, and it seems like 3 years is just about right for us. If the edge hasn't come to us by then, than we may just go to it.
So, slowly, like citzens of the cold war, we hallow out our fallout shelter within the confines of our day-to-day life. We set our nose to the grindstone. We busy ourselves; completing degrees, paying off debt, overcoming addiction, and learning for the first time to do the small things well. All of our habits fall under a new scrutiny. We begin to set down burdens as we become aware of them. Pregnant with a new focus, we fail to buy that "required" digital TV box and name our failure as progress. We do our very best to unload all our 1st world bondage. A clear shift in our mindset is evident. Growing past mere gratitude for our fullness, we stop ignoring our hunger and embrace its motivation. Clearly, under the new plan we have become enabled. The motivation of deliverance heightens our senses and quickens our reflexes.
